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| It's been a few years, but I think I'm at a critical point where I feel like if I can just share my side of the story...I can finally get over it. At least I feel like I'm allowed to share my story without people telling me that I'm wrong.
So it started 5 years ago...I think. I am a hopeless romantic; it's in my blood. I've always been one, even back then. Ironically, I seem to attract bad guys...which is really quite unfortunate (or perhaps fortunate for me later on). So I met a guy through my best friend, and he seemed really nice. He had amazing eyes and was very sweet. He knew how to sweet talk...something that I'm not used to. It was easy to be swept away being the hopeless romantic that I am.
I should have been more careful, and I think I tried to be. I knew what guys were capable of doing to my heart. Against my aversion of online relationships, I started talking to him first online. So silly... Then he joined wushu. Back then, wushu was my life. Guys who weren't part of the wushu world didn't understand how it was my priority. Why I wouldn't even bother going on a date if it meant missing wushu. It was just another benefit for me. It seemed perfect~
I loved the wushu family, and I truly believed in the wushu family. All aspects of life seemed to center around wushu. The wushu family was the true and absolute definition of friendship. They were there when you needed them to be, and you were never afraid to be yourself around them. You were completely accepted. There really isn't a feeling like that in the whole world.
Wushu was my sanctuary; a place I could go when everything else went wrong. I knew I had at least one safe place to be, and I knew that seeing the wushu family and doing wushu would cure everything. I was probably too niave back then. I tend to think the best in things, but I think I've gotten better.
My first boyfriend had cheated on me in the sense that he would flirt with multiple girls and pretend he didn't have a girlfriend. It crushed me, and I vowed to never let something like that ever happen to me again. But I think I didn't believe that getting cheated on could happen to me twice.
I forget how I first found out. I think my best friend told me first, or maybe I just started getting suspicious because of what I read online and what I heard. I know he wanted to visit her...while we were still together I believe. The only way to confirm or disprove it is to investigate it, and so I did. I think many girls would have dropped it, but I didn't want to. I wanted to feel special in the sense that I wasn't worth losing so no guy would be crazy enough to cheat on me.
Of course my research turned up more evidence. He was obsessed with the virtual world, and although he didn't want to admit it...I believe he couldn't differentiate the virtual world from the real world. The virtual world was much better for him. He was safe in it and loved. And he loved somebody in the virtual world, a character named Champagne aka Champy. They married online in Ragnarok, and although it was just a virtual world...I knew it meant that it sealed their relationship.
What did that mean for me? Here are my thoughts. If some guy could leave me for some virtual person, then what was wrong with me? If I was right here, what could a stranger have that I didn't? Was I so horrible of a person/girlfriend that I couldn't even compare to an online girl? I must not be worth anything.
He left her messages on her Xanga. Intimate ones about sneaking into her room and kissing her. I don't know if she ever knew about me, but I hate her just the same. I blame both of them for doing this to me. My best friend would tell me how all he talked about was her. I was forgotten.
After he broke up with me, I kept silent. I didn't want to tarnish his reputation, but he didn't feel the same way. I don't know how it happened, but he claimed to be hurt the most and went to the wushu family for help. He told me that he was in pain because he didn't have anybody to talk to (even though he had his church group, his brother, and the wushu family).
You might argue that I had my wushu family and my sister...but he took those away as well. I didn't understand how a guy that the wushu family knew only for a few months could take those away. I didn't understand how the wushu family who knew me for years and years could abandon me for what I considered a stranger to the wushu family. I still don't understand why everybody decided to go against me when I needed them the most. That's when the wushu family began to shatter for me. I slowly stopped believing in it, and to this day...I don't let any friend get too close. I think it's because the wushu family scarred me so deeply.
I remember using my sister's Xanga and I saw the list of people that had helped him...and didn't help me. It included everybody that I thought was close to me. That's when I realized I was truly alone.
I don't know exactly what he told the wushu family. But I know most of them believed that I was crazy and just super jealous. All I wanted was for somebody to know that I had been wronged...that I wasn't the bad guy. I was the victim. He broke up with me and he cheated on me. Even though I had evidence...apparently it was a fabrication of my mind. I still don't understand it.
The one thing that I know he told everybody, and possibly one of the craziest thing of all was that he told people that I didn't have the right to be jealous because he was no longer mine. I didn't understand that concept. How can anybody tell me what not to feel? When did I start needing a right to feel an emotion? I remember he got mad at me for not getting over the break up in a couple weeks. I didn't understand that either.
Was a couple weeks the typical amount of time to get over somebody? Meanwhile, the torture continued.
I always believed that if all else failed, your family would be there for you. He took that away to. How could somebody go so low? When you break up with somebody...how dare you go after their sister or brother? How dare you try to connect with them when you have your OWN sister or brother.
That hurt me the most. I know I won't ever get over that. It's not something you can recover from.
I remember when I was doing the summer camp at wushu. It was just me and Karen. Laoshi or Sophia ayi wasn't there...but I wish they were. He came to visit. He came to visit her, and not me. Actually, it still makes me want to cry. I threw myself into the kids, trying to forget everything. What I should have done was just start walking away. I should have walked away somewhere and caught a bus somewhere. I should have walked somewhere that somebody that wasn't the wushu family could pick me up.
He texted her all the time and called her. Who would go so low? I thought about getting revenge and getting close to his brother, but I just couldn't. I couldn't do that to somebody.
What I thought was the most amusing now that I can reflect on it is that when we did talk after the break up, he was telling me how bad of a person I was. I came up with plans to become a better person. I cried myself to sleep every single night with nobody to comfort me. I truly believed I was one of the worst people in existence. Everybody told me so...so why wouldn't I believe it?
I remember crying at wushu, and I believe he told everybody to stay away from me because I was only crying for attention. I think he told me that too. Sigh...I still don't understand it. How did the wushu family who I knew for years abandon me like that? Was I truly such a horrible person that they believed every single word he said and wouldn't believe mine? There's more than one way to tell somebody that they are a horrible person that deserves the pain. The wushu family's way was just the cruelest. I gave up at one point. I decided that if anything, I would choose to leave them. It would be my decision to cut off contact if they wanted to act that way...at least then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.
My birthday that year was meant to be special...but it was really one of the worst birthdays in the world. He purposely ignored it...so I don't understand why he decided to even participate in the "festivities." My wushu family was no longer my wushu family, and forcing them to celebrate my birthday was torture for me. It was straight out of a movie. I ran out into the pouring rain, crying. I initially planned to just start running away, but I was too scared of getting lost. Instead I just ran into a corner and cried alone. Laoshi came and got me... Thank you, Laoshi.
Anyways...my family and my Laoshi helped me so much. I was depressed for a very long time. My daddy was so worried about me. He wrote me e-mails all the time, and my Laoshi had a long talk with me. They both tried so hard to pull me out of my depression, and I think it worked. I think I finally realized that I still had a couple people in the world that believed I was good, and maybe that's when I started to realize that I wasn't a monster.
I remember when we stayed at Laoshi's house. I signed on AIM to see who was on, and then I decided I didn't really want to talk to anybody anyways. I signed off shortly. Once I signed off, my sister signed on. He imed her and said, "What? She couldn't find any guys to talk to?" She laughed. I don't know if I cried or not that night. Chances are that I did. He was the one that cheated not me...so how did it result in me looking like a slut.
In a way, I'm glad I left Maryland. I'm glad she was separated from him. I'm glad I no longer had to deal with him.
In the end, I became a much stronger person during my recovery process. I went through pain that few people probably don't experience. I still have a long way to go because I still have to learn to trust friends again and I'm still afraid of my sister leaving me again. I don't know if I'll ever fully recover, but I've tried to make an effort.
I don't think anybody will really understand my pain back then, just like I won't understand some other pains. Just thought I might share because most people don't use Xanga nowadays, and I think I can finally share my side of the story.
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| I'm at one of my low points again, and I wonder if this is what depression feels like. Just need a place to vent and share~
I can't remember what's good about Texas again. I think I had a hint of a thought, but it slipped away. I need to get away. It's destroying who I am or who I want to be at least.
Down with LL.
The anger I feel must be close to what people experience before they snap.
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| I've been having really weird dreams lately...but most of them take place in the Philippines haha.
1. cut finger
So a while ago, I sliced my finger open with my sword. It wasn't too bad of a cut...it was just messy? It wasn't a clean cut. So I keep dreaming that my cut is there again and just bleeding, but I don't care. When I wake up, it feels like I can still feel the cut, haha. It's happened several times in my dreams.
There was a huge pool party with all the wushu people, and we were all just splashing around and swimming and having lots of fun. The weather was perfect, the water was perfect, the scenery was perfect...everything was perfect. I was swimming with my cut, but I had a band-aid over it. As if that helps! But my defense was that it was to prevent anything else from getting into my cut.
I remember diving into the water and swimming and swimming. It felt really good. It was just really nice to have all the wushu people there. We were all in the Philippines in this beautifullll pool. Sigh! Too bad it isn't true! I remember a mom that was passing out food noticing my finger. She was like, "Oh no! What happened! Do you need stitches or do you need to put alcohol on it??" And I just replied before bouncing away, "Oh! It's fine! I just sliced it open with my sword...not a big deal!"
2. bullied
I was with the Filipino guys in some sort of house, but the house was like a house from Clue. There were trap doors and secret passages EVERYWHERE. Sometimes parts of the floor or staircase would disappear, and I wouldn't know what triggered it. You just had to jump over the huge gap.
Anyways, we were all on a scuba diving trip. My HS people were there too, but they didn't like me. That's probably the reason I was with the Filipino guys. The girls especially were so nasty to me, and I remember Annie sent over Johnathan to get her mango juice. I would buy it for her just in case it made her be a little nicer to me. I was panicking because when I went to buy the mango juice, my group just started to buy snacks, and somehow it already added up to $1000! And scuba rentals cost $1000! I think I forgot that it was in pesos, so it isn't actually that much.
I think right after buying snacks or right before, I found this trap door. It opened up, and I climbed down. It was this underwater world that was like a game. The point was to point and collect the pearls. I found one cluster, but I couldn't find anymore. After I decided it was time to leave, I tried to make it back up. It turned into a maze-type thingy. I had to climb up levels and go through tunnels and everything. Finally when I made it back to where I came through, there was a HUGE gap in the staircase. I had to jump over it and hang onto the ledge or I'd plummet to my death. I somehow made it after much struggling.
I woke up sweating a lot. What a workout?
3. e-mail
Somebody e-mailed me, and I was really happy.
4. returning a phone call
Somebody called me at 11pm, but I dreamt that he actually called at 10pm... Then I woke up in my dream at 11 and returned his phone call and we had a really nice conversation. When I actually woke up, I was quite pleased...then I became confused. Then I checked my call log and realized it was a dream. Haha
5. Mummy 3: tomb of the dragon emperor
I was in the Philippines again, and we were going to some performance/dinner thingy. Nicholas Cage was performing as the dragon emperor instead of Jet Li. Somehow I found myself on one of the stages too as a terracotta warrior. People crawl out of a box to represent breaking out of the earth. I was really shocked about how many people climbed out. My parents were sitting at the table right next to where I was on stage. It was weird.
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| I was looking over my old facebook pictures, and gosh...I miss hanging out with wushu people. I miss goofing around and slamming myself into the floor. I miss the pain and the distractions.
I dreamt that we were all hanging out at my house in MD, and it was so nice. Unfortunately, during that same dream there were also giant spiders and a bear. I woke up with the bear about the destroy me. Haha...it was a pretty scary nightmare. I woke up in a panic, not sure where I was.
I want to go back to the Philippines, or anywhere really. Hmmmm~
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